Counting the Cost

Yates Girls at Laura's College Graduation

I have a confession to make... I have been struggling with the "have nots" and "won't haves" lately. What exactly are those you might ask. They are the realization that in choosing to serve in Indonesia there are several things I will have to give up. It is hard knowing that all this work is preparing me for something that will be difficult, stressful, exhausting and lonely. There will be days filled with language oops and culture missteps, days when I don’t know the answer to the question or even where to get the answer, and days when I lose patients (probably quite a bit more frequently than it does here in the US).

One of the things I will miss most are regular and frequent moments with my family. The picture above was taken in June of this year at Laura's graduation from Seattle Pacific University. We spent a weekend as a family enjoying Seattle sites, having family discussions, and of course eating some good food. As part of the weekend we also celebrated my mom's 60th birthday with her parents and sisters. These were bittersweet moments. Sweet because we always have a great time when we get together as a family. Bitter because I know there will only be a few more of these before I leave and I will miss many of them when I am gone. Yes they can and will come visit  (I hope!) and I will be home every couple of years for a few months at least, but still it will be different.

Here in the US I am a respected healthcare provider. I am part of the team with a known role and responsibility. With my arrival in Indonesia I will back at the bottom of the learning curve, working to figure out my role and responsibilities. Transition from the known to the unknown is always hard. I cannot tell you how many times I have told friends my plans, to have them express excitement that I will be working to help prevent maternal and neonatal mortality. And then comes the question, “how long will you be there?” And when I respond, “it is a long-term commitment” they all of a sudden become quiet. To go for a short time is completely acceptable and respected as a humanitarian mission. To give up an extended period of my life is considered crazy.

So why in the world would anyone choose to go? Why would I??

I have to admit there have been days I have put off the work of preparing to go because somehow it delays the hard days I know are ahead. So I took some time during my vacation in early June to just get away from all the voices, all the worries, and all the fears and the let the Lord speak. He took me to Philippians 2 and reminded me of part of an article I had read during Perspectives.

It was an article about the incarnation as a model for Christian witness. Sounds very theological and a bit overwhelming to me but the basic idea was that since Jesus gave up His status, independence, and immunity to become human and to save us, how can we as Christians be willing to do less. That is not to say that I have this figured out but something I am trying to work though. 

So I took some time to remember the positive reasons for going… A daily reliance on the Lord and a deeper relationship with Him, amazing friendships, knowledge that God used me to help people, moms and babies saved that would have died if Bethesda Hospital wasn’t there, the chance to share with patients about their Creator and the God who loves them, the adventure of trying new foods and new words, and lots and lots of laughter at those cultural missteps and language oops. 

There was an article about the missionary journey in the Women of the Harvest magazine back in 2005 that said it so well, “… we alone are stretched beyond what we thought was possible. We are physically and emotionally drained. And we are the ones bearing the bruises and scars. Yet we know the names and the faces of those who have been transformed by God’s Spirit. We alone have the privilege of experiencing the birth of a love for the people God has called us to. And we will never be the same" (From Laboring for the Kingdom by S.R.L). 

Once I found my eyes focusing on Jesus and the positive I found my energy and excitement about completing all this preparation and going had returned. Not to say that life is perfect and that sometimes the thought of that departure checklist and the to do list doesn't make me want to roll over and go back to sleep in the mornings :) Then I try to remember that while all the human reasons may not make sense it all makes perfect sense in God's eyes and that I have to be willing to live this adventure I call life. Please be praying that I will keep my eyes on the positive (Phil 4:8) and stay focused on the task ahead.

Philippians 2:1-8 from The Message
If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if His love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.