The Pain and Process of Grief

It has taken me a long while to write this post, probably because I am still trying to process all that I heard and saw. Living in a new culture is like trying to put together a puzzle. It takes seeing new things several times and the chance to ask lots of questions of trusted friends before you can absorb and understand it all. So while I am going to start sharing a bit about what I witnessed and learned, realize my understanding is not complete.

It started on a Monday morning September 15th - the second week of school at the Nursing School. Mondays are flag raising ceremony days at the school and it is expected that all students, staff and teachers are present. But like most Mondays around the world, things are always a bit hectic and people run late so no one really noticed when one of our teachers, Novi, was late. Then in the middle of the ceremony though there were several cell phones that rang but of course everyone ignored them. What we couldn't ignore though, was hospital employee coming through the gate asking loudly if Novi was here. When we replied she wasn't, he told us he thought he had seen her - he had passed a bad accident and he thought she was involved. Then, someone answered their ringing phone and we were told that she was being taken to the hospital nearest the accident (a government hospital) but that she had died.

Grief here is a very vocal thing and with so many people already gathered the wails were so loud that it hit you almost physically. It echoed through our little valley. So much so, that even those still at home (it was just past 7 am) knew someone had died.

The next 48 hours were filled with several surreal moments. Many rushed off to confirm the news and help her family. Those of us left had to figure out how to comfort 150+ students and whether to continue with classes or send them back to their dorms rooms. We also had students in the hospital and at local government clinics doing practicum, so we needed to figure out what to do about them. There were also traditions that needed to be done like preparing a sign and flowers for her family home and grave site.

There are no funeral homes, autopsy, or embalming here for the most part, so the process happens quickly. Novi was taken to the hospital briefly where it was confirmed she had died and paperwork was completed. She was then taken home where she was bathed, dressed in all white and placed in a coffin that sat in her parent’s front room for the next almost 24 hours. In the process of bathing her it was discovered that she had lost much of her beautiful long hair and a toe in the accident. So, people were sent to the accident site to find and retrieve them as it was important culturally for her to be buried whole. Friends and family came to say their goodbyes and grieve with her family. Each time a new group of people would come there was more wailing and moaning. Each time it also allowed her mom to open the lace covering the casket and show them Novi's body. Her mom frequently stroked her daughter’s head during these moments. The grief would begin to soften and then each group would sit for awhile. It wasn’t unusual for them to take pictures of Novi's body. They also each brought a monetary gift to help cover the expenses. Then a group would leave as another group came. This continued until the funeral the next day. The family was never left alone.

Novi's casket in her family's front room surround by family, friends, and nursing students. 

The following morning the funeral was held at the catholic church, her family attended. The service was liturgical and other than the opportunity for her family to share her life history (basically her obituary) and for someone from the nursing school to say a few words there were was no time for personal remembrances or sharing. Then it came time to shut and nail the coffin closed, so once again people gathered around to take pictures and say their goodbyes. The closing of the casket was especially hard on the family and close friends, as this would be the last time they would see her. Novi's mom kept physically placing herself on top of Novi's body, so it could not be closed. Then finally the lid was closed only to be opened again when the moaning and wailing became very loud. They put the lid on five times and then took it back off again until finally it was obvious that everyone was exhausted and the wailing and moaning were not so loud. I asked a friend about this process and she said they do it on purpose, so that the family will be so exhausted, that the burial itself will not be as hard.

At the church as they try to close the casket

Then we walked to the graveyard, which was on a hot and dusty hillside (it was noon and the hottest part of the day). I was unable to hear much of the graveside service but after some prayers her casket was lowered into the ground, covered with dirt and then people filed past and sprinkled flower petals on it.

At the graveyard. The signs are prepared by friends of the family to express their condolences. (You would think based on the number of umbrellas and covered heads that you see, that it was raining but really we were all just trying to protect ourselves from a very hot sun.) 

I am sure this is the first of many times to come that I will be witness to this process. Death is part of life. As a nurse and midwife grieving with patients and their families is not uncommon, but this is one of the first times I saw what happens after they leave the hospital, here in Indonesia.